Dating-Tips-For-Women.com

“What If The Key To A Healthy Relationship Has Nothing To Do With "Fixing" Him?"

by Erica Landon
Senior Correspondent

About year and a half ago I received an email that stopped my heart cold:  

Erica,

I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I am so tired of all of the fighting, the jealousy, the accusations of what I did or didn’t do. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. We’ve been through a lot and you’re a great girl, but I think you need help. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

- Brian

     My boyfriend of three years – the man I thought I was THE ONE – dumped me by email !!!

     My first reaction was to run to my car, drive to his house, and scream in his face, “How could you do this to me?!? Why can’t we work this out? And why didn’t you have the guts to tell me this to my face?” But as I envisioned the huge scene I was about to create right there on his front porch, it dawned on me.

     This is exactly why he didn’t want to tell me to my face.

     As I re-read the email for the hundredth time, I felt the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach grow even more intense. That’s because I realized something far more troubling than the fact that I was NOT going to spend the rest of my life with Brian after all…

     I realized that everything he said in his email was true.

     Still, I found a way to explain away my behavior:

     Sure, I had picked fights… but they were only to get his attention when I thought I wasn’t being heard in the relationship.

    Yes, I was jealous… but I had every reason to be! Brian’s co-worker Kelly was really beautiful and I could tell she had a crush on him. Which brings me to the accusations...

     So I accused him of hooking up with her on that business trip to Montreal! How else was I going to know what really happened if I didn’t come right out and ask?

     As for the trust thing, well, I wanted to trust him, but I just felt so insecure all of the time, which made it hard for me to believe Brian when he told me he loved me.

     The more I let this reality sink in, the more I realized that the “fighting, jealousy, accusations and trust issues” he cited in his letter to me were not unique to our relationship but were part of a pattern of behavior that I’d been repeating in just about every romantic relationship I’d been in.

     “I’m a mess,” I concluded. “I should just give up.”

     And for a little while, I did.

     I got pretty depressed.  I became a walking cliché: I indulged in a post-breakup eating binge, devouring Ben and Jerry’s like it was my job. No snack in my pantry was safe. If it wasn’t nailed down, I ate it.

    When I wasn’t going through boxes of Brian’s stuff or looking at old pictures and crying, I was laying like a zombie on the couch watching Oprah. I tried reading It’s Called a Breakup Because it’s Broken, but the picture of the ice cream carton on the cover of the book only tempted me to – you guessed it – eat more ice cream. I was, in a word, pathetic.

     A couple weeks into my wallowing, my best friend Sara showed up at my apartment. “Enough,” she said. “Get dressed. We’re going out.”

     I went to put on my favorite pair of jeans and realized that I couldn’t zip them up. Turns out PJ pants can accommodate as much Ben and Jerry’s as you can eat, but Sevens aren’t as forgiving.
     
     At that moment, I decided enough was enough. The next day I went to my neighborhood gym and signed up for 10 sessions with a personal trainer. It didn’t take long for the pounds to start coming off, but I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that my temporary weight gain was the least of my problems.

     I was starting to feel good about my outside, but I wanted my inside to match.

     I got a referral for a therapist and began seeing her once a week. In one of our first sessions, I said, “I really want to break this pattern I have of dating untrustworthy men with commitment issues. If I could just find a guy who wouldn’t let me down, all my problems would be solved.” My therapist’s reply took me completely by surprise.

     “Could it be, Erica, that the men you’re dating aren’t the problem?”
    
     Perplexed, I asked her what she meant. “Have you considered the possibility that the men you date are trustworthy, but your own insecurities make it impossible for you to trust anyone? And maybe these men don’t have ‘commitment issues,’ but rather can’t take on the responsibility of making someone happy who isn’t happy with herself to begin with?”

     My head started to spin. First Brian’s harsh email, and now my therapist’s brutal analysis. It was clear: if I was ever going to have a healthy relationship, I had to change my approach to dating.

     I got online and started researching. I picked up The Rules, but was discouraged when I realized that it was all about how to win a man by doing – and becoming -  what he wants. 

     I flipped through Why Men Love Bitches, but didn’t think that radically changing my personality to land a man was the answer.

     Then I came across an ebook online called Dating Without Drama: The Essential New Rules to Help You Understand Men and Succeed at The Dating Game.  Being a self-proclaimed "drama queen", it seemed like this book had been written just for me!

     I downloaded it and immediately started reading. It felt like the author, Paige Parker, was speaking directly to me. She begins by saying that the secret to dating without drama is really within me.

    Aha! Finally a book that doesn’t have me focusing on what the guy wants but instead teaches modern dating rules from a fresh perspective.

    I learned that with a combination of self-confidence, an understanding of male psychology, and a refusual to settle for less than I deserve, I CAN find real, fulfilling love and have the healthy relationship I've always dreamed of.

     By Chapter 2 I’d already had a major epiphany: The central problem in all of my relationships is that I’ve been deluded enough to believe that a man is going to “complete me.”

     Pinning all of my hopes on one person, expecting that he is going to fulfill my every need and make me happy was putting unfair pressure and unrealistic expectations on him. In other words, I was setting each relationship up for failure.

    Through the confidence-building exercises and the affirmations in the book, I learned how to appreciate my self-worth and identify which of my needs were my own responsibility to fulfill.

     And as for all the drama in my relationships, I learned all about the source of my crazy behavior and exactly what to do to stop the vicious cycle.

     “Dating Without Drama” explains how, as women, we can let our emotions get the best of us. When we act emotionally rather than rationally, we create drama in our relationships. Paige shows how – in each stage of a relationship (meeting, flirting, casual dating, intimacy, getting serious/commitment) – you can honor your feelings while still taking a pause and say, “am I looking at this emotionally or rationally? Do I really want to call him / say that / act this way?”

     Just taking that moment to think through how you’re going to act – rather than react – can be the difference between behaving like a drama queen and scaring a guy off or calmly, expertly playing out your next move in the dating game, making him sit up and take notice of how different you are from other girls.

     And the best part is that Paige delivers her message in a really fun, hip way, like you’re just two girlfriends having a chat... which was exactly what I needed since I wasn’t in the state of mind to read some boring self-help manual or preachy, finger-wagging advice book (I’m sure Dr. Phil is great and all, but I’d rather get my dating advice from a woman my age who’s been through it, not some 50 year old guy with a big mustache and a lot of goofy catch phrases).

     When I finished the book I was inspired. Using the tips, techniques and strategies I’d learned, I started going out on dates and noticed a mind-blowing difference in how I felt. For one thing, I was actually out there dating – and discovering that the process didn’t have to be so dramatic after all.

     I learned that the more I date, the more I can identify my likes and dislikes to determine what I’m ultimately looking for in a partner... which, in turn, helps prevent me from feeling needy because instead of putting all my eggs in one basket with one man, I'm free to explore my options.

    I'm finally in a place of power because I'm not so emotionally invested in the outcome of each potential relationship (I’m no longer staring at my cell phone wondering, “When will he call me?” or obsessing over each guy I’m interested in, wondering “Will he commit?”).  
    
     If you told me a year and a half ago that I would be qualified to write articles for a site called Dating-Tips-For-Women.com I would have laughed out loud. I was a needy, emotional mess. A first-class drama queen. But today my life looks much different...

     I’m passionate about my work, I spend time with friends who are dear to me, and – yes – I enjoy lots of dates with interesting and exciting men. I am learning just how fabulous I really am and loving my life. And when I meet the man who truly deserves to spend that life with me, I know I’ll be ready, because of the newfound confidence I feel and the tools I now possess to make the relationship work.  In fact, I think I may have just met “Mr. Right,” so keep your fingers crossed for me!

     Bottom Line: The most painful experiences in life are the one's you learn the most from. It really stung when I first read the line in Brian’s email that said, “I hope you find what you’re looking for.” But now I am so grateful for that experience... because it's exactly what I needed to get me out of my comfort zone and get to the bottom of my issues...

    And, surprise, surpirse, what I was looking for turned out not to be something or someone "out there"... but rather, something "in here"... and thanks to Paige's wonderful guide (and lot of soul searching), I truly found what I was looking for - me!

     If you want to "end the drama" like I did, I highly recommend you sign up for the FREE "Dating Without Drama" newsletter and download her eBook here: DatingWithoutDrama.com                                                                                                                        
- Erica Landon

Erica Landon is a freelance writer and frequent contributor to Dating-Tips-For-Women.com.